Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Questions that need to be answered.

WHY?
I should actually be working on my script right now but i'm not. They say happiness is a choice but when you're in a position where sadness overwhelms every single thing that you do, you just accept it and get yourself even deeper into it. That's when depression comes in. Maybe it's too early for me to feel this way, maybe it's just my personality that I over think things, I give up easily on things. Yes, you tell me that I need to do this, do that, I just can't. I've been beaten up over and over again till I have no reason to get back up again. It's in this moment where I need someone to listen, someone to pull me back up again, someone who is strong enough to share, to handle both myself and the own self. 

Maybe I was there for a moment, to feel the joy of being confident, to feel the hunger, to feel the need, the want for a change, to be happy, to be able to just be inspiring, encouraging, to be at that top. What I find is like, at the end of the day, it's a cycle and you can't escape the fact that it is a cycle. You can be at your very top but at the end of the day you will fall. Influences, voices, cries, everything will just affect you till you're down. I'm a man with little faith, not strong to withstand my ground, not weak that it will completely tear me down. But i've come to the point where, everyday, it's just sad passing days. With all the arguments, all the fights, all the criticism, all the bad things that one can say, even the good things too that brought about from a different perspective, different tone, different way, it just expose me up too much that I can't do it anymore.
WHY?
I came home, hoping for inspiration, hoping for encouragement, I wish a house of laughters, of hope, of just the simplicity of being home. I wanted that to push me forward, to become a better person but it turns out, it became a home where it has its own problems, so many wrongs to be righted, so many people involve that has its own issues. Basically there is so much negativity, so much criticism, so much words to describe someone, something in a really bad way. Not to say that it's bad but it's something where it deviates so much from inspiration and encouragement. It's not what I really want. I mean, you can learn from all this, you can have a new set of perspectives of how to deal with problems, how to overcome misunderstanding but sometimes you just want to get way from all these problems but all you get is another sort of stress. It just makes me even moody when you don't have a place of comfort and everywhere you go is either stress or problems. It's hard to deal with other things when at home you have so much problems.

Emotions for me is really hard to deal with. I'm a guy and yes, I think we live with stereotypes. I guess it is for me. We want simplicity. We don't want anything to affect emotionally. We want to be strong physically. I can't help it when i'm really struggling emotionally. I want to be stable emotionally and spiritually and if the people beside are not supporting me to be better at these, I don't see why I need to be there. For the source of inspiration, source of happiness if it's no from family, I don't know where else can I go to. I tell myself over and over again, I don't want to grow apart from the family, but I kept getting this feeling that I am. I don't want to. I love my family. I love every single one of them. But why do I feel like I have to give up on them? Is there something affecting me to think like that? Is there a difference in our mind sets? Do I want something that is not what family intended for us to be? When I want to achieve so much, does it eventually deviates me from my family? I have no answer but to pray all these to God. I have no answers only questions.
WHY?
It was a really hard time at dinner. I wasn't at ease from then till now. Feeling really guilty for acting this way, feeling really lost in where am I at now. I just don't like when I'm not stable emotionally. I just want to get out of this. I don't want to build walls anymore if I was building any at all. I just feel very trapped. I don't know how to explain this right here. There's so many things going on right now in my mind and my heart. I don't want to be so selfish to as now only I seek God. I don't want to be in this moment to seek Him. I find like I needed faith and the bible can save me from this. To not focus on the things that troubles me and just find love from the bible itself. Maybe there's where I can find my salvation. Maybe that's what I needed all along. Maybe God has been telling me that no matter what circumstances will overcome you, you need to be able to stand by yourself and not depending on anybody, see what happens from the past when depend on somebody, see what happens now when you want to depend on somebody when nobody is there accept only friends who care about you can only give you comfort with words. But I can, I can give you what other can't, I can give you when no one is there. When you're lonely, when you're lost, when you're feeling in doubt, I am always here, ready to give you what I can in My power. Listen to My voice, read My voice. There are all there in the bible. Pick it up and see where My love can take you.

I guess that's what God tells me to do when I write just now. It's like a conscience, a voice running on my heart while I write, I just interpreted it what He said. Wow, that was a moment. Anyway yeah, it's the only way I think I can find my refuge. Let's start tonight. I'm still hopeful that I can come out of this. I'm still hopeful that no matter what happens, we can all be happy as a family and we can all stand each other no matter what circumstances are. We are still family. Though we all gone through experiences, we still come back as a family. There's bound to be problems when you're with your family but we just move on the next day. We don't linger on it. Everyday we learn to be. Everyday we find little by little of ourselves. Though I'm in a different generation, 10/12 years gap from my brothers and childhood mostly spent with maids, parents sickness and cancer, there was never a  'me' moment. I thought I was spoilt but independent. We need to away from the past and focus on the future. I shouldn't just try my best to learn each other characters. I should just learn to be happy with them. Be the joy in the room. I think I took this too far in that I need to satisfy them. I think by changing my perspective to be who I am and do what I can to help. My parents are getting old, brothers don't really have that much time anymore, I can help by just being the joy, smile and just be the heart of the family.

I should be saying that I'm done soaking myself in negativity and turn that into positivity. Just learn how to be accept, not keep quiet, but tell things in a nice way, learn how to be merciful, learn how to just be understanding, learn not to be quick tempered. 

I should learn how to be a person.

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