It's been a while.
These few weeks have been a roller coaster for me.
The feelings, the things, the moments, the work and the emotions i've been going through.
Got myself involve in:
MoMU I.T. Director
ASEAN Games Australia Videographer
ICSS River Cruise Videographer and Photographer
CTG lighting crew
3 of Life's A Gamble Theatre Performances.
Wow.
Thinking of it, why am i involved in so many things?
To forget about the loneliness?
To forget about the loss?
To feel like I belong somewhere?
To do what I love to do?
To find out what I can do?
To search myself?
To experience myself in doing work?
I get so busy that I have no rest,
no time for movies,
no time to make my own videos,
no time to hang out with friends
no time for studies, finding hard to catch up with work,
no time to go wonder around the city, going to new places and trying out new food,
To think of it,
if I don't do these things that I'm in,
do I actually go out?
do I actually do the things that I wanted to do?
Before this, what I do is just stay at home, sleep, being lazy, procrastinate and just not getting myself doing anything, which sucks cause you don't feel productive, you don't feel like you're using time right.
Maybe I'm involved in one too many.
You deleted everything,
you blocked from everything,
I was shocked, scared and just stunned,
I don't think there's a chance of explaining, I doubt it.
I felt that loss and I just felt I needed a closure or some explanation, but I didn't get it.
I can't see nor meet nor even to greet because i'm afraid.
Well I guess, that's how its going to be, since it has to be like this.
I'm sorry.
I just feel so disconnected with people even with the people I am working with.
I just don't feel the sense that we can communicate.
Maybe I'm just too sensitive
Maybe I say the wrong things
Maybe I'm weird
Maybe I have a bad attitude
Maybe I'm too emotional
Maybe I'm not fun to hang out with
Maybe I'm perverted
Maybe I"m too gay-ish
I just don't understand why relationship and friendship is not strong as I thought it would be
Maybe everyone is busy with their own things
and when time passes by,
you just have this feeling of uncertainty because you haven't been hanging out much or there's just no time for each other
I'm confused.
So many things just left unanswered for me.
Maybe I'm thinking too much.
It's not that bad after all maybe?
Everyone has their own friends.
I see them hanging out with each other every time
They have a group of friends
Why can't I be in that?
I can honestly say, mine is scattered.
I want to travel with a group of friends
I want to go to places to try out new things, new places for food.
I want to explore while I still go the time, not alone with a good group of friends.
I want to be adventurous.
I want to feel like I can connect with people.
I want to feel like I'm safe with these people.
I want to feel like I belong somewhere.
I want to feel like I deserve something and they do too.
It's hard maybe because we are all international students.
Money, studies and time are very important factors for them.
Some, they just won't sacrifice that much.
Some, they just want others to agree to only be in it.
Some, they are just waiting for a plan to come through.
Some, they want to go back to their comfort zones quickly, their families.
I get busy because knowing this would happen,
There's so many commitments that i just want to rest
I get tired so easily, my body is so weak.
I sleep so late at night. ( 4, 5am in the morning)
I don't exercise often.
Can't seem to catch up on my studies only on par.
Maybe i'm just too busy, I can't manage my time well.
I'm learning day by day.
I really want to learn how to be sociable.
To know how to communicate with people.
To learn the art of communication.
It's like now I feel like I'm working.
Maybe this is normal, I'm just not used to it.
This is just the beginning.
Slowly, that doubt I have is going away,
But I still have that worry in me,
I still feel like i'm not qualified.
I feel like i'm still burdened.
What goes in my mind,
the things i'm thinking,
I don't think there's a way of forgiving.
Maybe it's just the body playing its part.
I just hope that day will come, when I realise, this is the one.
This is the beginning, the middle and the end.
I felt like this is a way for me to learn these things that I long forgotten.
Maybe not forgotten but values that I need to learn for the future.
These values is so important in order for me to be a man.
To be a successful man.
Not for myself, but for others beside me.
To learn how to care, how to love, to form myself an image for others.
I think it's a really crucial time for me.
And you are the one to change me.
I thank God for that.
It's already September for 2013.
It has been a roller coaster for me.
Emotionally, physically and spirituality.
Everyday you wake up,
what if you believe the things that you are in,
the places you are going is setting out for you to a higher purpose?
Would it able to change your day or will it give you doubts?
That is the time you need to start realise that some things have to change
and some things is worth dying for.
Ya know what i'm sayin, doug?
Put yourself in a third person view and see your life in a particular area,
which part you want to change and which part you willing to die for.
it's okay to be in one that you know its wasting time or its not bring you any good,
cause its part of the experience.
Everyday we need to be involved, and be engaged.
Everyday we need to remind ourselves what we truly believe in.
We deserve to be better each day.
