It's past and what's present.

How does one move on from one's affection.

It was really deep what I felt.

I can't help but nowadays, whenever I hear something about them, I just break down, just sad.

I can't stand staying at my place now. Always wanting to go out and just spend my time outside.

Spend my time walking outside, keep me busy with a company that I can find.

This is what happens when you put your feelings into someone hoping that one day, it will work out. The plan was there to take it slow, to chase like the good old fashion way. But, it just all changes when she has another love interest. It just spoils everything when you found out about it and the best thing is she told it right in front of you. Not knowing that she is the one that you fond of. Friends began talking about her and her love interest when they could tease about us. It's so hard when it strikes you back so hard. Before this, you try, try, try and try. Spend time talking, making up conversations trying to engage and talk, ask her out for dinner, movie or even the things she like most, to do it with her. It's all for but when doubt comes in, you start to change, you start to feel that this isn't the right thing, not the right person or maybe me myself it is to blame for and there it goes when all along, she had a love interest you didn't know about. Maybe it's because of the different group of friends we are in? maybe it's because we are in a group of friends where we just can't be one. Now, the whole process letting go, and just don't want to be involve in a love triangle or anything. For me, i would love to die trying if i know that girl is who i like and i know i can chase but when interest for another person is there, i can't, i just can't.

Well, it's good to know that not many people know about this and not many people that i've told about this. It's good because it's all on me and I know i can get over it with some hobby if I could do to just make me happy and hope for someone else to come. Wait, I even told my mom. Sorry mom, she is potentially taken by someone else. I should call you to tell you this. 

Love is so unpredictable.

So today, at 1 something am. I went out. I came back from a movie and once i reached home. That emptiness and dim and darkness of the apartment just made me wanting to go out and not wanting to stay back. So I went out with my camera and my new lense. Canon 50mm F1.8. It's really awesome the pictures it can take. There are only a few handful of people that i can really call out and their company is what i love best. Went to the city and got some great great shots. 

I hope this thing, this new practice? I hope I will move on and I know that I did like you and I still do. I shall let you go and hope you and your love interest have a bright future, I really do and hope he likes you full heartedly.

Maybe, just wait.

Maybe, I just need to wait,
Maybe, you're just not the one,
Maybe, you're just the one that I long for,
Maybe, I'm pushing too hard on myself,
Maybe, this is all but a thing.
A thing not known for the both of us, just me.

I find myself trapped.
My heart is trapped.
Like a cage, it has no air to breathe.
Like a cage, seeking freedom but all has gone to waste.
Like a cage, the hurt and pain from pushing through the steel bars.

Love,
What makes a love without telling,
What if time is a factor,
Maybe I was too late,
Maybe I just need time.
You're just there but i can't reach.
Friends talk about things that hurts me only deeper.
Only to know, I do not stand a chance.

I'm no competitor,
I'm not a guy who wants to take advantage.
I'm just a guy wishing for someone like you.
Someone like you to bring me places that i've never been.
You were the one I was thinking all along,
That will lead me and live long together.

All I need was to say that I do,
But what needs to be said has its consequences,
Consequences that things will change,
I do not want that change,
When I know the distance it may cause.

I should not make a move for love,
Love brings me no place other than expectations and disappointment,
Friends is all I can do now.
I know that girl, I know.
A figure I can see from its outline,
As the sun creates a halo, blocking the light that enters my retina,
Creating a dark shadow across,
I may just need to wait,
Light will once again shine upon you,
It will make all the differences.

Who I may not know,
When I may not know,
Where I may not know,
But patience.
Beyond expectations.
Unconditional.
Give to those I know that its worth it.
Love comes from there.
Even if love only comes at a later date.

Maybe I do not understand what love is,
Maybe I do not understand myself.
But I only ask for your company.
All I ever want is somebody to be by my side,
To support, To care, To love.
Everyone needs it. Maybe I'm too selfish to ask for more.
I scared it will change me.
This duration of time which only intensifies the change in me.

Fear.
I'm in fear of fear.
I do not want to go through it again and again.
God, I trust you would bring me out of this situation
Give me the clarity to move forward,
Take my prayer as a statement of our relationship with you,
Take my soul to a place you wish me for.
Amen.





S, I will pull myself out,
I know that you have someone else you wish for,
But I know I like you,
Hope this will make you happy because I really do.
You deserve better.

Mind thoughts.

As I turn to my playlist and played it on shuffle, the white, round, metalic symbol of a buffer on iTunes slowly gliding against the elongated circle from 0.01 till 4.17. A voice, a sad and rough heart, singing a sentence that speaks in my mind.

"...the pieces don't fit anymore."

Why do I sing along to a song even when I don't want to sing? Is it normal for me to sing along the melody, a tune of a acoustic guitar follow with a loud bass 'boom, tzi, tzi, pa, tzi, tzi boom...."of the drums. A sound that resonates with the soul.

"Ah, maybe that's why they called it soul music".

The rhythm of the drums and guitar makes me sway from side to side as I urge my inner soul to sing out loud the lyrics that bears meaning of what I want to express. Yet, the singer, James Morrison, he writes a song of a past lover yet I do not identify myself with that song. Only to divert my attention to what is actually going on in my mind.

My mind speaks...
"Today i feel darn depressed..."
           "Why am i going through this..."
                          " I am so hungry right now...."
                                     "My head feels so heavy, I want to go out..."


"Why I can't explain
Why it's not enough
Cause I gave it all to you...."

The song yet plays while I sing as I am multitasking, to write. It's far how the journey has come to this. No, no, no. Wait. I'm not saying that this is the end of my journey. I'm just saying as an international student, I've been here in Melbourne for almost 3 years. Let's just say that my home is in Malaysia, Ipoh.

"Ah, I can't wait to go home and see my new born niece..."
           "Ah, I want to celebrate my birthday with my friends this year..."
                  "But i'm not going back this July and I'm staying here during the winter..."
                           "That's must be so sad..."

Where was I, Ah, Yes. Journey.

I can set it out like that:
First, sacrifice and depression,
then it was,
self discovery and studies
and now
adventure.

"It's time to surrender,
It's been too long pretending,
There's no use in trying,
When the pieces don't fit anymore..."

Let's talk about now. Adventure. I really need to be in an adventure. Like I would want Gandalf to come knocking on my door and ask me to share and adventure with him as what he did ask of Bilbo in The Hobbit. Thus, I think of this: as I write down my scripts, preparing the actor and actresses, I will use my Canon 600D and record a few short videos, later, i'll edit it with cuts and adding effects and then proceed to upload it on Facebook, YouTube.

An idea, I long most. As, I struggle myself sitting down here looking at my university timetable. That paper reads,

"Essay 25% due April 8th"
"Essay 10% due April 11th"
"Essay 45% due April 15th"

This is what that stops me.

I think of this: as I search for innovating videos as pressed down my fingers quickly to each syllables on my MacBook to form a certain sentence as the logarithms of the computer identify each binary codes to produce a word I tend to search.

"How to spin a camera around the CN tower"

Inspired. Determined. Committed.

"Assignments, assignments, readings, readings, essays, essays"

But, this is what that stops me.

A deep sound and goosebumps slowly starts from the hands to the neck and the hair of the body slowly raise up to the sound when the music goes:

"The pieces don't fit anymore, the pieces don't fit here anymore..."

But this is how our mind works. It's complicated. We have so many voices, so many ideas, so many things that we want to do but we can't do or we are still doing it but left it behind. Assignments, adventures, procrastinations, singing of our favourite songs. Emotional as the days grows darker, winter is coming. Sunsets are when the short metallic arrow points at 6 and the long points at 6. Weather is getting much colder and layers of clothes are adding up as the temperature drops. I feel deeply emotional in the soul as the heart yearns for satisfaction. Thinking about negative things. Being left out of friends who do not answer, friends who do not listen, friends who do not ask the slightest,

"How are you, Jen"

Everybody is busy with their own adventures. Maybe they feel the same way too or maybe I'm asking too much. Look what social media does to us. We do not call as much, we message far too much till we dont want care for each other anymore. It's not the same like we did at our secondary school where everybody does not need social media to connect us. Nostalgia.

I feel the tiredness and the exhaustion. I feel the anger and frustration of things that I do not know of. Of things, I feel that mind speaks more than body can show. Yet, body shows many things that people will see differently. I see things of a magnitude that affects a response from people who cares about me. Friends that hangs out with each other.

My heart presses as I reach out to my vocal strings and sing at my highest note to match the song's tune as it slowly, gradually increase its magnitude.

"Oh, don't misunderstand how I feel,
cause i've tried, yes I've tried,
Still I don't know why,
No, I don't know why..."

Maybe this song does resonates with how I feel, not the exact meaning of what James Morrison is singing about but an identification of certain words and sentence that can bring out meaning, my meaning. I needed out from this emotional state of sadness.

"Give me more light, God."

To be able to go out there and not stay here, find friends to make short films or watch a movie, or have dinner together, or take photographs together. I wish that now. But nothing I can do with my spare time as the rush of a thought in mind

"I think I should just laze a bit for awhile, chill out for awhile, there's still time."

When I still have so many things to catch up after wasting each ounce of adrenaline rush to do my assignments at the very last minute. I know I made the mistake of not doing my work before but the lingering thoughts of my little adventures and the exhaustion and tiredness of being left out keeps me from my purpose.

Soon, the light will shine upon again, soon, soon.






S, I like you. 
These are the words 
that I can't stop myself from wanting to say it to you.
Hope I will find that right timing.
and I also hope you feel the same way too.