The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug

Coming into this movie, you can ask Wilson about it. I was really being an ass to him. Asking him about the best cinema, best seats, best everything. Everything must be in order to watch this film. I was so particular about it. I was joking with him actually knowing that I'm fine with anything as long as its comfortable. The one thing that bothers me little is the 24fps or 48fps. I was just deciding which one should I go for. Well the answer for that is 48fps because it's what Peter Jackson want us to see in. So we should go for that.

After work, I wasn't thinking about anything else but The Hobbit. I was so eager about it ever since I don't know when. I'm just excited about it. It's because you won't get this Middle Earth movies again. These would probably be the last time since it's these are the only books that they are able to buy the rights to. Who wouldn't right? I even brought the ring that I've made to the cinema to be in the mood. After work, I sent Su Ann back to her place because her mother is having check-ups and she would be late to fetch her and that day we finished our work before 7? The movie is at 9 45! Traffic jam along the way and then reach home, got myself ready, and Wilson was downstairs already. You can sense the urgency of how we really REALLY want to watch this film. It's The Hobbit, obviously.

Anyway, I was shocked. It was quite complicated how Wilson booked the tickets. It was here then later it was there. Ah, I told him I leave everything to him. He told me it was booked at the other place with 24fps one. I was quite disappointed at first but oh well, he shocked me saying that we got the 48fps one at 1 Utama which is one of the best cinemas in town. You should see me, I was hyper all the way, being myself and just talking crap with each other. Dissing people, creating our accents and just being cool with everything. It was a great time with my cousin even before starting. Sad that he had to leave for Taiwan next week. Did I mention? We had CHILLI PAN MEE for dinner! That's pure awesome dish! The best one in town in SS2! Back here, got ourselves popcorns and coke and getting ready to watch the movie.

Spoiler Alert? If there is one! (Ye Be Warned)

The movie was awesome to be in so many ways. One, it gets you into Middle Earth again. It was a nice feeling when you're able to go in again. Starting was a little shock for me. But it was alright. Not much of a complain but it wasn't strong I feel. Like you could have put it in the first movie and make the first movie even more interesting. Unexpected Journey has pacing issues and thats the main problem with the movie and you can see the improvement with Desolation of Smaug! More actions, it's more on with everything. Story lines are getting more and more complicated, you can see the characters are developing and the tense it has created to proceed to the Battle of the 5 Armies. That would be interesting to see in the third movie. 

Smaug is amazing! Voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch. Loving more and more now. After seeing him in Star Trek: Into Darkness, his voice as Smaug is so so good. The dragon is taunting, scary, smart and sleeky. I think the dragon is somewhat the best creature ever since Gollum. You have Gollum in the first movie and now you have Smaug in the second movie. What an accomplishment really. You see Bilbo being more of the burglar now than just introducing characters that have already established in the first movie. Everything is seen moving now with more urgency. I really love Gandalf, you see more of him, what he can do and just his quest to find out what happening in Dol Guldur. Radagast wasn't being silly anymore. Love the character Thorin and where the character is going now. You can see the little little things that is going to happen. Bilbo with the Ring. You can see the importance of the Ring in this movie like it plays a part to show the connection to the Lord of The Rings.

In LakeTown, that's another interesting place with characters like Bard the Bowman and the Master of LakeTown. Beorn is also in the movie and that's good. Should see him fighting that would be great! But I guess you'll see more when the Extended edition comes out. I'm not sure about reviewing. Don't really know how to review a movie though but what I can say is that this movie is so far what I've expected the Hobbit to be. Definitely better than Unexpected Journey because of the story is going, the characters and the sense of urgency! Especially Smaug kills it in this movie! Bilbo, Gandalf and the company of the dwarves are all playing their part. The scenes that I like the most are When Gandalf is in Dol Guldur, the barrels scene and scenes with the dragons, all these are really awesome!

The cliff hanger at the end, awesome! Keeps you up for the next one. I just can't wait for the next one really. Like for the Lord of The Rings, you don't really need a cliff hanger because of the weight of the story but for this the Hobbit, the cliff hangers are more emphasised really. Like for Unexpected Journey, when they show a glimpse of the dragon, it was really exciting and I can't wait for the next film and after year, time past by so fast, now i'm here watching Desolation of Smaug and I can't wait for the third and final film, There and Back Again. Well, so many things to look forward to. Just can't wait for next year.

Well, next year is going to be my graduation. I don't think i'll be back to watch with my cousin. That's the most upsetting part really. We are going to break the tradition :( But anyway, that's for next year. more things to come, more things to be missed. It's all how you deal with it I guess. After the movie is finished, I was taking long breaths and just sinking in what I've just watched. It all changed after that like I'm in that world and I couldn't get out. I was speechless and was just thinking about the movie the whole day until today! Not so much but just after that night.

Anyway, it was an amazing film. Urged everyone to go see it. Just love the feeling how you're able to go into Middle Earth again. So going to buy the extended edition and could not wait for more things to come. The trailer, the poster, the music and just DECEMBER 2014! Credits to Peter Jackson for making this come true! There and Back Again will be epic.

Internship.

First week
It was really nervous going into the first day. I didn't know what is it going to be. It would be my first time working in a big big company. Something that i've always wanted to be a part of, an advertising agency. I've been thinking you know, what if next time my future sets here in an advertising agency. I don't really know what position i will be taking but just advertising.

I'm part of as a copywriter. That's going to count for something. Honestly, I don't know what a copywriter does. How the company works, what people are there, what positions are there, anything about the real world I just don't understand. It's like a whole new beginning. It's like studying again but you're applying it to work. I don't think what I study does apply to the work I am doing right now. It's so so different. Yes, in university you study about the concepts, the theories, the way how the media works, the arguments on content and production of content, almost everything. But then, when I came in the first few days, it's not like what you expected, seriously. It's about generating ideas, that's what they want from you.

Maybe it's different for each company and how they approach to advertising. But when I come in for the first few days, it's all about the ideas and you have to really REALLY good in generating ideas constantly. First day, bored. Nothing much there is for me to do. Family and the internet told me to go forward and ask, ask for jobs, do anything they ask, read books about it or just be proactive. But, first day, I can't really do it. I'm just held back by the fact that i'm actually working. So, I just sit there and try to do nothing even though in my heart i'm filled with desires to do work.

At first, in my heart, I wanted to be a part of something great. Something extraordinary. I want to do this, do that and just get involved in every single thing but I tell you, it's really hard. First day, got introduced to the team, went to Anthea, one of the copywriters in the company for work and ask me to think about some activities that a kid and a mum would do at a park with balloons. And from there, i've been thinking about it the whole day. Before that I was just trying to do my own research on the company's client but that didn't work out. Well, after that's all being done, i've got to do some administrations stuff, get the key to enter the building, got the documents that I need to get and everything else sorted out. Well, that's all I had to do for the first day. Nothing major, nothing big, just an introduction.

Going back I tell you, i felt so so exhausted. I just lay down on my couch for the whole night till the next day. I don't even have the energy to go for the next day but i pushed on. It was so hard for me. Imagine university, well, you can't compare to working life. University you get so much flexibility with the hours, you can even choose the best time if you're lucky. Work, it's Monday to Friday 9-6 every single day. Sometimes you work overtime, sometimes you even have to work during the weekends. Oh, I almost forgot, first day, I woke up so early thinking that the working hours is at 9, reach there at 8 30 and no one was there until 11! I'm saying that this working lifestyle change so much like it's a culture shock. Now I wonder why they say work is so much different. You have so many more things that you need to do, commitments rise and ah, I don't want to get into it. It's so massive the way how it transits from university to work. Step by step we go through life and this is one of the transitional phase of life.

Second day, third day. I get to design stuff for shell. First time I got the job, I was saying to myself I don't study design, I don't draw and no, this is another way of generating ideas. This has got to be the time that i've drawn the most. The ideas are not flowing and my drawing isn't the best so that job I got wasn't good but it's okay, at least I know how it works. These are some of the things that they would throw at you. It's a good experience. Another job is that I have to travel to deliver some documents to other companies. Like a post office guy! Well other than that, there's nothing much. Just staring at my computer screen the whole day and finding work to do. That's all.

Coming into the fourth and fifth, I'm already dreading myself to come to work. I don't know what I'm feeling. So many things that just baffles my mind. So many things i'm into question. The lifestyle that i'm coming into after staying in Melbourne for so long. So many things that I've to get used to. Working life, the life here in Malaysia, living with my mum, my own space and time, my freedom, my future and career, just so many things that I need to question. Sometimes coming back from work, I'm just so frustrated and exhausted with myself and work. I can't be happy because of the stress and the pressure that I'm putting myself into. My mum just would not understand and I don't blame her. I've been living with myself for so long, I don't know how is it like to live with someone else. That's another phase that I need to learn too. My mum sends me to work everyday. I can't drive and no, I can't stay out late even 12 is the latest for me. I'm forbidden to go out during the night especially mamak. Coming back, everyone is scared about safety and security. To be cautious about the things that happens at night, robbery and murder. It just adds another stress and worry to myself when i'm back. You don't have to worry about things like this back in Melbourne. It's new to me again.

I've never spend so much time with my family before. Been following my mum everywhere she goes, listening to every thing that she says, trying to be there for her every single day, go to places that she wants to go, letting her have control of the TV even though she doesn't watch it. As though she's my girlfriend. Saturday was family day that day and it was nice to see my cousins and everybody else. This is what I come back for, the reunion of the family, the gathering of adults and children of all the cousin. This is what I focus my holiday to be with. Nothing else. I really need an answer or just to be communicate my relationship with God. That Sunday was powerful, the message was strong and it really hit me even though there's so much difference in the atmosphere in the church comparing it to the church in Melbourne. That's all for the weekend really. Bought a lot of DVD's and just needed to watch lots and lots of movies this holiday!

Second week
Yes, passed first week now onto the second. Feeling dreadful again like I can't wake up to work but I can sleep through the weekend and wake up around the same time feeling fresher. Anyway, second week, more things to do but not more things like it would keep you busy the whole week and got no room left to do other things. More interesting things to do I can say.

Nestle Crunch Wafer is the biggie that I needed to do this week. First I got the TVC, that means the television ad that haven't got edited or put any soundtracks in. They asked me to think of something to write for the radio ad following the TVC. So was working closely with Anthea on it and came out with the script, got it done on Friday. Another was the Line campaign, this is really interesting because you get to know about what kind of ideas you have to campaign the whole thing. So we have to come up with something like a larger picture of everything and under it we implement the marketing plans. That's pretty interesting but my idea was unclear and it was just bad. But it's a good experience. I have to really learn how to suck it up and take it and try it again with a better idea! I really want to improve and I don't see a place or a person to help me or to guide to improve. One thing is that everyone in the office is so busy that they got not time for me really. I just want to do work and improve myself in things but I don't see the chance YET. Maybe in January after the New Year.

Weekends was boring. I was thinking of hanging out with friends . Do something or go out and just have fun because hey, coming back from Melbourne and no fun? It's not right. Just work and work and being so tired and all, I just want to get out and enjoy. Turns out everyone is busy and can't find someone to hang out with. The worst is when i'm not free then there's someone to call. Oh well, wrong timing at a wrong place sometimes. Oh did I mention?

THE HOBBIT: DESOLATION OF SMAUG IS AMAZING! 

I got to watch it on Thursday! That was fun. I tell you, being with my cousin, Wilson, I get to be myself, I'm so myself. That's why I love hanging out with him. I felt so me when i'm with him. Just wish to have more time with him. Really, he is the closest family to me compared to everyone. Love him for that.

Anyway, went to the concert my mum's been pestering all week. That's done. Sunday didn't go to church but spend the whole day with big brother and finally, Leanne. She doesn't like me. Oh no, don't want to hold my hand, don't want to do anything with me. That's so sad. Missed her first birthday and everything, she's really a one hard to please. But oh well, when she gets older, then probably I'll get to know her well and I hope I can be as close with her like me and Wilson. That's all I hope for. Not some formal and conservative thing going on like you have to be in your best behaviour. I don't want that. Anyway that's how I spend my weekend. Went to the shopping mall and just have a nice day with the family. And, I love love the family talk we had that night. Just me, my two brothers and my mum. I just like how I get to know their perspectives towards me. I really needed that because it helps me put into perspective and I know what i'm going through and what I need to get through. So it was all good.

It's been a roller coaster ride for me the past 2/3 weeks. Nothing but more things to discover. Learning each day as it comes.

Results.

Oh damn! It's been a month since i've blogged.
Oh well, here's the results:
Comparing Media Systems - 73
Net Communications - 75
Television, Lifestyle & Consumer Culture - 64
and the worst Internet Marketing - 56

Remember from the last post how stressed i was with my media systems and to tell you the truth, i'm really happy with it.

The one thing that I could have done much better is my Television, Lifestyle & Consumer Culture subject. It's actually very easy to get a high mark but because of my blogging assignment that I only rushed towards the end. That's why Tim only gave me a pass. Plus, the last assignment i was late :(

I guess this is the reason why i got a low mark for it.

Internet Marketing. Really. Made me really disappointed. I guess there's only 2 assignment and we only got a 65% for the first assignment. We didn't have the time and the teamwork to do it. But i couldn't really blame it because we got the idea but we couldn't put it in words. Exam is the one that is pushing my grades up but its not :( I guess I didn't have the time to do it and it's not enough.

Anyway that's that.
I'm happy with my net communications really. It's an interesting subject, had great group mates, so it's just good to get a good result like that! Plus, i was late for the last essay :( anyway, yes!

Same with Media Systems. I am really happy with it. It's really a hard subject to score but turn out that i'm alright with it! So that's good!

All i want to do is keep every subjects in the range of 65 above to the 70's. If I ever get an 80 and above, a H1, that's just a bonus really. I would be the happiest person alive!

Whole of november was a busy period for me. That's why I didn't get the chance to blog. Anyway it was a month full of stress, essays, exams and sweets. I gain so much weight last month. No wonder when now i'm back in Malaysia, everyone is saying that i've gained weight. So much pressure and just pure procrastination the whole time. Can't wait to just get over with everything.

Now, it's december! Everything's calmed down. Year 2 ended for me, got my results and i'm free from University for the moment but then it's no rest for me. Got myself an internship at JWT. That's another whole new experience.

I just hope in terms of university, I get to get the marks to study Masters. That's all i want to do right now.

My schedule for this exam month.

I’m having a dilemma right now.

I don’t know what type of angle should I focus on.

I’m tired and I’m craving for sweets and KFC! Been resisting for days now.

I’m praying for adrenaline so that I can start my work.

I have 3 essays to do and CULS blog assignment due on the 4th

Net comm is due first on 8^th of November

CULS essay is due on the 11^th and

This comparing media system essay is due on the 12^th.

If I can do my comparing media sytem essay right now, like plan it and do some research and try to finish it by 3^rd?

Spend one day on the 4^th to finish my blogging.

Then start doing my net comm and finishing it by 8^th.

And then go full on for CULS till the 11^th.

Spend on whole day on the 12^th to finish edit my media system essay.

I need at least 2/3 days to plan my media system essay and start writing it! All in 5 days? And then hopefully by 3^rd I will finish it.

Net comm I need at least 2 days to read and do my research. Another 2/3 to write and edit which also comes to another 5 days.

If 3^rd I can finish writing my media system essay then I can go full on for net comm till the 8^th.

After that I will need to go full on for CULS essay.

Need to watch brokeback mountain to analyse the movie.

Takes another 1 or 2 days to analyse and research. And another 2 days to write it all out. So altogether 4 days hopefully. That’s why by 11^th have to finish it.

And take one full day to analyse and edit media system and pass it up on 12^th.

Rest for a day!

Then have to go full on for internet marketing

Revise lectures and memorise

19^th is my exam so I have to do as much as I can from 13/14^th and go full on till the 18^th night!

Have to go through 12 lectures and make exam notes!

This is my schedule for the next 4/5 weeks!

The small things.

Mighty Men gave me some perspectives.
I need to make some changes.
It's not about living life not knowing where you're going but setting out paths to maybe bring you in for a higher purpose.
Let yourself be open to chance and open up for opportunities.
I guess i've been over doing it till the point where i procrastinate, i don't do what i love anymore and i'm not loving the life i'm living everyday, everything is so mundane and ordinary.
It's hard defining your own self.
It's hard to know where you are going.
I want to live an extraordinary life.

There's so many goals for me to achieve but there's only one life for me to live.
To experience, to love, to care.

1. Be faithful and honour God.
2. Exercise
3. Piano
4. Make videos that can make a change, make short films.
5. Learn new things, get internships and experience for my career.

I think I've set out these goals cause it's my main, main priority.
To become the person you want to be, is by changing yourself first before you can change others.
You are not the one responsible to change or to give anything to anyone if you don't have your foundations right or if you don't even know how to handle yourself.

There are things that I must sort out for myself first.
My lifestyle.
My work ethics.
My personality and attitude.
My relationship with God.

Seems like a lot but i think it sets me out some goals to achieve.
Be the person you want your daughters to look up to.
Be the person you would treat anyone like it's your family.
Take in the perspective of others to become that person you want to become.

I know this post is a little bit biased and really positive and full on optimistic.
But i guess is these kind of things that drives us to be better each day.
You do not want to wake up in the morning not wanting to have a nice day.
Even though you die, you die living, knowing that you lived a happy life.

There are mistakes that i've done,
made some decisions that are wrong,
bad experiences and just difficult encounters,
but I think if you ask, pray and just have faith that no matter what happens,
a breakthrough will come. God will answer to all your problems.
We come to deny, avoid and just stay in our comfort zone and not sorting out the burdens we have,
but if we place our focus to surrender and ask God for guidance,
you will soon understand that the faith you have will increase your confidence and self-esteem.

I really want to go back to the Lord of The Rings world again.
I really want to watch the 3 movies again.
I want to be crazy over again.
I want to have this marathon again.
Since my birthday until now, i haven't watch it yet.
I've been listening to the soundtrack over and over again these few weeks.
It really calms me down and just makes my day so relaxing and just lets my burden goes away.
Thank you Lord for Howard Shore who creates such beautiful music. It's all Your wonders.
especially Lord of The Rings. Thank You for that. A fantasy that I've grown to love and love even till now. Thank you bro for showing me that day in our old house.
Can't wait for the last Lord of The Rings concert!

Few updates on myself!
I've got myself an internship position in JWT.
I hope it all works out fine.
I'm currently learning a song on the piano!
I hope i can learn more than just a song in the future.
I'm currently doing little push-ups and sit-ups every morning and stretches as well, it does feel good!
I hope i can be fit by next year.

I'm still procrastinating a lot!
I'm still not reading my bible.
I'm still not making short films like I should.
I'm still not reading the books that I bought especially The Hobbit!
I'm still not saving up money when I should not spent so much on a daily basis.

I promise that I will change myself to be better.
To be a better person, so that in future, i want to say that I'm proud of who i become.
I promise to have a better relationship with God.
I promise to be healthy.
To be successful.
These are the life goals that I want to achieve.
Cause somehow or rather I just have this crazy idea that I want to change the world.
But first, I need to change myself and then take it from there.
Even the smallest things can create value.
Sometimes big things doesn't mean you are successful.
But the small things is what really matters.

Fluctuations.

So many things yet to learn.

So many things yet to discover.

I'm just 20 years old.

There's too many things in my mind which is irrelevant.

There's nothing for me to lose at this stage.

Sometimes we think too much,

We get scared of the things we do not know.

I always say that I think too much,

But really, to be honest, I don't really know how to solve my problems.

At one point, I had this urge to blog, to blog so many things that happened.

I wish I could list it out all the things out here and explain what is it about.

But things, they, they just disappear so fast.

It didn't allow me to stay put and slowly decipher the things that happened.

I guess to really do this I need a map,

A map of the things that I value, what I need, what I want and to map it all out,

So that, I can live my life accordingly.

You are embarked on a journey that you do not understand.

Of all the sufferings of the world that you don't know much about,

Out of the sudden when you are on this journey,

You begin to find that this is way bigger than what you originally planned.

You wish to do great things but you're scared.

You begin to do something that you don't want to do.

You just want to get rid of it.

It's a responsibility.

But I guess, this responsibility has its price. You sacrifice for the greater good.

You wish to just stay back to your comfort zone but because of the circumstances, you have to get out of it.

Lucky to have someone by your side, but sometimes they do not understand even though they are right and also providing you all the confidence you needed. 

Sometimes you just need someone that understands your pain.

People come and go but what is important is that you do what you need to do.

I believe, once the journey has ended, you will never be the same again because how can you go back to the life where it once was, some hurts that goes too deep, you begin to realise that there's no turning back.

What I learned in church yesterday was really compelling.

Gift/Talent produces service.

Service produces credibility.

Credibility produces influence.

Influence produces change.

Change produces atmosphere.

Atmosphere produces seed.

Seed produces fruit.

Fruit produces dominion.

All of these surrounded by the work of love

You need to find your gift to bring service. This service is not slavery but out of love to serve with the need to have credibility in order to have influence. Because, without credibility you will not have an influence. This influence is important to have change you want to see in this world. Everyone talks about change but without putting your gifts and talents to service which then produces credibility and then influence, you will not have change. This change we see creates an atmosphere. This atmosphere is where everybody would see this change and from there a seed is put into their lives and this seed can then produces fruit. This fruit that it has become, is dominion.

A roller-coaster.

It's been a while.
These few weeks have been a roller coaster for me.
The feelings, the things, the moments, the work and the emotions i've been going through.

Got myself involve in:
MoMU I.T. Director
ASEAN Games Australia Videographer
ICSS River Cruise Videographer and Photographer
CTG lighting crew
3 of Life's A Gamble Theatre Performances.

Wow.
Thinking of it, why am i involved in so many things?
To forget about the loneliness?
To forget about the loss?
To feel like I belong somewhere?
To do what I love to do?
To find out what I can do?
To search myself?
To experience myself in doing work?

I get so busy that I have no rest,
no time for movies,
no time to make my own videos,
no time to hang out with friends
no time for studies, finding hard to catch up with work,
no time to go wonder around the city, going to new places and trying out new food,

To think of it,
if I don't do these things that I'm in,
do I actually go out?
do I actually do the things that I wanted to do?
Before this, what I do is just stay at home, sleep, being lazy, procrastinate and just not getting myself doing anything, which sucks cause you don't feel productive, you don't feel like you're using time right.

Maybe I'm involved in one too many.

You deleted everything,
you blocked from everything,
I was shocked, scared and just stunned,
I don't think there's a chance of explaining, I doubt it.
I felt that loss and I just felt I needed a closure or some explanation, but I didn't get it.
I can't see nor meet nor even to greet because i'm afraid.
Well I guess, that's how its going to be, since it has to be like this.
I'm sorry.

I just feel so disconnected with people even with the people I am working with.
I just don't feel the sense that we can communicate.
Maybe I'm just too sensitive
Maybe I say the wrong things
Maybe I'm weird
Maybe I have a bad attitude
Maybe I'm too emotional
Maybe I'm not fun to hang out with
Maybe I'm perverted
Maybe I"m too gay-ish

I just don't understand why relationship and friendship is not strong as I thought it would be
Maybe everyone is busy with their own things
and when time passes by,
you just have this feeling of uncertainty because you haven't been hanging out much or there's just no time for each other
I'm confused.
So many things just left unanswered for me.
Maybe I'm thinking too much.
It's not that bad after all maybe?
Everyone has their own friends.
I see them hanging out with each other every time
They have a group of friends
Why can't I be in that?
I can honestly say, mine is scattered.

I want to travel with a group of friends
I want to go to places to try out new things, new places for food.
I want to explore while I still go the time, not alone with a good group of friends.
I want to be adventurous.
I want to feel like I can connect with people.
I want to feel like I'm safe with these people.
I want to feel like I belong somewhere.
I want to feel like I deserve something and they do too.

It's hard maybe because we are all international students.
Money, studies and time are very important factors for them.
Some, they just won't sacrifice that much.
Some, they just want others to agree to only be in it.
Some, they are just waiting for a plan to come through.
Some, they want to go back to their comfort zones quickly, their families.

I get busy because knowing this would happen,
There's so many commitments that i just want to rest
I get tired so easily, my body is so weak.
I sleep so late at night.  ( 4, 5am in the morning)
I don't exercise often.
Can't seem to catch up on my studies only on par.
Maybe i'm just too busy, I can't manage my time well.
I'm learning day by day.
I really want to learn how to be sociable.
To know how to communicate with people.
To learn the art of communication.

It's like now I feel like I'm working.
Maybe this is normal, I'm just not used to it.
This is just the beginning.

Slowly, that doubt I have is going away,
But I still have that worry in me,
I still feel like i'm not qualified.
I feel like i'm still burdened.
What goes in my mind,
the things i'm thinking,
I don't think there's a way of forgiving.
Maybe it's just the body playing its part.
I just hope that day will come, when I realise, this is the one.
This is the beginning, the middle and the end.
I felt like this is a way for me to learn these things that I long forgotten.
Maybe not forgotten but values that I need to learn for the future.
These values is so important in order for me to be a man.
To be a successful man.
Not for myself, but for others beside me.
To learn how to care, how to love, to form myself an image for others.
I think it's a really crucial time for me.
And you are the one to change me.
I thank God for that.

It's already September for 2013.
It has been a roller coaster for me.
Emotionally, physically and spirituality.

Everyday you wake up,
what if you believe the things that you are in,
the places you are going is setting out for you to a higher purpose?
Would it able to change your day or will it give you doubts?
That is the time you need to start realise that some things have to change
and some things is worth dying for.

Ya know what i'm sayin, doug?

Put yourself in a third person view and see your life in a particular area,
which part you want to change and which part you willing to die for.
it's okay to be in one that you know its wasting time or its not bring you any good,
cause its part of the experience.
Everyday we need to be involved, and be engaged.
Everyday we need to remind ourselves what we truly believe in.
We deserve to be better each day.

Time.

Back to my writings.

Post 4
Time.
10th August 2013

What does time mean to you?
Does time control you?
Do you control time?
Can you make time?
Do you not care about time?
Is time your life?

The fact is that you can't change time,
you need to know how to manage time.
Time is inevitable.
We live by time.
How does it when time goes by,
How do you use to its full purpose and not wasting it.

If you stop and look at your watch,
time is slow.
When you started doing something and neglecting time,
time is fast.

Time is the dictator.
Time is the director.
Time is my master.
I need to listen to what it says.

But sometimes i don't care about time.
I let time slide.
I do what i feel like doing first.
And when I think time is ok to change,
I'll let it past.
But when time comes short,
i do hate time.

So to have time as you friend,
you need to schedule time.
you need to manage it.
Don't let it control you, but you control it.
Time is meant to be used wisely.
Down to very last second.
When you're one step ahead of time,
you can do so much during the day.
That's when procrastination is the main factor of losing time.

Shall you not waste time,
Do what you want to do and do it.
Don't wait till when time past,
All you think that you wanted do, you can't do it anymore.
Because the old saying goes, you can't go back in time.
Seize every moment possible and make time precious.
We only have 24 hours a day, but in that every hour,
wonders can happen if each hour was meant to for something valuable
of course for your healthy 8 hours of sleep!


as he moves around the house
cleaning up the house
moving things around
taking trash cans out
washing dishes
doing homework
read readings
and go online and search for lenses and cameras
a busy day with so many commitments
time is running out
day till night
night till day
rushing and rushing the whole time.
assignments are piling up
due dates are closing in
favours are coming from friends to do many things
started procrastinating
wasting time
and just chilling
sleeping day in day out
lost the sense of focus
can't wake up
trying to read but all he do is youtubing
go out with friends for movie and long dinner and desserts
knowing that theres things to do
feeling anxious
started to organise the things to do
"why didn't I do before this?'
stressed and just wanting to just finish
started finishing each and every single thing
one by one slowly with much focus
getting everything done before the due date

lesson learnt:
make time to do things properly
when you're rushing, things that you do are not great.
organise and be focus in the things you do.
say no to procrastination.

It's just a feeling.

I know.
I can't really resist it.
It's been far too long and I miss that feeling.
I want to relive that satisfaction.
I want to feel that feeling again.

Is it bad? I don't think so.
Why?
Cause if I love that person, I wouldn't think it's bad.

Is it good? I don't think so.
Why?
It makes it look like it was forced.

I have no idea what will I do when we meet.
I will just need to see how it goes.

I believe in the moment.
I believe no matter what happens, if its right, its right.
As long as you know what you are doing.

God, what say You?
Would You allow at that moment?
Or have You given me a choice?
Not to repeat my mistakes?
what is it?

I don't know why but I've been losing my memory very easily these days.
I kept forgetting stuff.
I should eat more almond!

I'm just so impatient.
I am afraid.
This feeling that grows in me.
I'm afraid of that sense of lost.
I'm afraid of that sense of hurt.
So fragile, just so damn fragile.

Ah, don't want to think about it.
I'm just completing tasks.
I'm not thinking further than that.
It's bad I know.
But, I'm tired of thinking.
Tired of investing.
I just want to choose one thing and just stay with it.
I'm fine with mediocrity.
As long as I'm happy and I get to present value into the world.
That's all I hope for.

I'm changing.
Hope I'm changing for the greater.
I want to be more mature and think like a man.
I just want to be a better man.

Life's A Gamble.

Motivation man, it's motivation.

These few days I felt it.

I felt that self esteem.

It was part of my selfishness.

I think that I am better than anyone.

To think that way, is not actually bad.

To live in this world, you have to be selfish.

I learn so much from this game The Last of Us.

What it argues is that,

humanity, at a certain point where it becomes the lowest low,

humanity would change where everything from what they need, they will fight for it, even kill for.

There's no love when it comes to your own needs.

Only the love to yourself.

Humanity will see its true colour when 'apocalypse' comes.

Joel, the main character, he imply that humanity is not worth saving.

Would you sacrifice your loved one for humanity? Or would you save your loved one and live by a corrupted and spoilt humanity?

This has been on my mind lately.

The game is so addictive and true and just full on on emotions.

Since the theatre performance, I realised something.

I realised that I am good.

God is good.

Everything that I do seems to be something to be proud of.

I was and am still motivated.

After that show, a lot of the people just come up to me and say

'wow, you're really good.'

'wow, you're handsome, you can sing, act and even play the piano'

'you really did it today, you've reached there'

'you're acting was just great today, you can just change from one to another'

'i really love your energy'

These was the compliments that I get that night.

I was shocked.

I was just shocked.

I am really humbled that our group made it so well that night.

It was a night to remember.

This month has been the best month so far.

The love.

The performance.

The game.

The relationships.

It has made all the difference.

It just made me realise that I am good at something.

Not many people can be good at many things.

I just have to push even more.

To be GREAT at things.

I felt the need to start reading.

I felt like if I can read, read and just read.

The knowledge, the firm statement that I can give. Wow.

And not with just knowledge, the interaction with people.

The interaction in class.

If I can get the knowledge from reading and also with the interaction with people.

to communicate my skills with,

that in my opinion is great.

I learn so much from talking to Azmir last night.

It's like in the future when you become a parent,

it's not about how you become a better parent by focusing on you,

but how you make a better child a better person, you focus on them.

By this, I don't mean spoiling them or just give whatever that can make them happy.

what he means is 

how can you build a great person out of the child and by that you will become a better parent by how successful the child can be.

That is success.

I just learn a lot of things when I talk to people.

To talk to people and discuss knowledge.

in which case I ask not simple questions but deep ones.

Knowledge of things that is happening around us, general knowledge.

What value can you get from talking to these people and what can it help you to become greater.

I've changed from talking about myself to talking about the things that matters.

I'm not pursuing to satisfy my needs.

I'm pursuing to know what is there for me that I can work on and generate value to the society.

I think this is important as you grow mature.

The inside of you is important.

That is generated from motivation, commitment and responsibilities.

And other things.

Not just satisfying your needs or following people with what they do.

You do you.

God understands. 

You need to communicate with God and even people.

Without communication, there is no understanding, there is no knowledge.

It's time to be a leader.

You are leader of yourself.

To be a leader, you have to have goals.

A need to strive for something greater, not better but greater.

We are made for greater things.

Not mediocrity.

It was doubt that kept my mind.

The doubt of is this really the one?

The doubt of other choices/other people?

The doubt of my own body instead to endure the long term based on faith?

The doubt of communication, no physical face-to-face but voice and texts?

Love is a thing about commitment and communication.

I was scared when it all started.

I was always impatient and never rely myself on faith and hope.

This is a new challenge for me and I'm willing to accept.

The first thing that came to my mind that night was God, not me but God.

I felt like this was set out for me. He did.

To learn from simplicity, to commitment, to faith and to be PATIENT.

I can learn a lot of things from you, God.

Is just wether i accept or not.

What I really need now is just communication, that's it.

and Faith.

and I begin to realise that it takes time and 

the change of things will dictate where this us, this life will go.

Is only up to us how we want things to go.

By our mindset and our actions.

=)

Today.
Today.
Today.

Today, I think God made me realise something.
He gave me a situation.
He gave me someone.

Today, after a long 2 and a half year journey
of searching, discovering, sacrificing, enduring and perseverance.
God showed me something.
God showed me someone.
God showed me His way.

1st of August 2013.

A day to remember.
A day to cherish.
A day where it all began.

I never knew of the things that is set out for me.
Neither do I seek it, or did I have it in my mind.
Nor do I say this is what i want, or do I say this is how I planned it to be.
I may not now or I may ask for what I always want.
But God, you did.

This is one of the things where You hit it out to me.
You gave me every single day whether I want it or not.
You made it possible.
You made every lines and every crossroads come to pass.
You made it happen.

But I question You, God.
I doubt.
White lies.
Low self-esteem.
Afraid and scared.
Worried and lost.

What does this really mean to me?
Do I look far from here, thinking that the future might cost us?
What if we are not meant to be?
What if our path in the future does not cross?
What if I do not have the same feeling as she has for me?
What if I messed up?
What if I do not meet the expectations?
What if I expect too much?
What if I take advantage of things?
What if I made the same mistakes again?

I have told myself to live in the now.
To seize the moments now.
To be present in the present.

I have to believe that this is real.
I have to believe that this can be worked out.



Shut up.



All I do is that I think too much!
All I want to say is, everything can be built.
Nothing starts off easy, nothing goes easy.
There are things that challenge us to be better.
To be better in ways that we know are what we need to improve.
I'm living the now, i'm taking chances, i'm taking opportunities.
There's no right or wrong.
If it doesn't, it doesn't.
If it does, it does.
My point is, you never really understand until you experience it and you share it together.

But today, You answered my uncertainties.
I still have doubts but who wouldn't?
I believe that there's always a silver lining towards everything.
A positive.
I will try my best to make the best out of things.
To do something without apology.
Let's start, have faith and be strong.

I love you, C.


I was praising Him, smiling, jumping around and it was just such a happy happy moment for me.

=)

I Don't Want To Regret Anymore.

Some things you just can't express. Not explain.

I felt that loneliness.
That hole in heart that needs to be filled.

I felt so thin whenever that feeling comes.
I don't know why it affects me so much.
Maybe it's the expectations that went too high.
Maybe it's the anxiousness of wanting to tell soon.
Maybe it's the rejection.

After that 4 year relationship, there will always be a puzzle that needs to be solved. There will always be a place for somebody to fill in. Since then, i needed company. Maybe we all need company. We all need help. It's just different with how others deal with this 'company'.

Some indulge in books, some indulge in sports, some in music and some with movies. Most are with people and without them, one would be sad or in the need for someone. For that, they will look and search till the very end, till they find someone to be their company. Friends, Girl/boyfriends, Family.

Whenever I hear the songs on the moments with you, whenever I see you, whenever people say your name, or that in text, Internet, I think of you. I think of how I wish I could tell you how I feel. I wish I could say I like you. I think of the things I wished I could have done. I think of the sad and frustrated things I know that you didn't know. It wasn't right. Everything wasn't right, that's why it didn't lead me to you. The group of friends. The moments shared. The conversations we had. Maybe the signs I'm reading are not the signs you're reading. Everything is just complicated.

The things you wish someone would understand and read the signs that was given but instead different signs are read and they do the same things to the person that they are interested in. It's sad when the one you're interested is not interested in you, vice versa.

I believe in order to move on, we have to be cruel, to let them to be happy is to know how to let go. I can't change what i can't change. I can only accept and let things come by naturally and wait. Patience is a really important value in our lives.

Some can be patient for all their life. Some can only be patient for 1 second. We all need patience in this fast and developing world. It's hard when you want things quickly. We are trained to do it now but we need to be discipline and wait for our opportunity to come.

It will come. That's why we need to seize every moment possible so that we don't regret. We need to make the best out of things. We need to put value in the things we do in our everyday life. We cannot regret. We cannot. I should not feel that regret anymore. It's time to move on and just take my chances at opportunities that is given.

But be patient. We cannot take advantage of everything we see. We need to evaluate ourselves first. To know our identities and our values first. Then, we can.

My Dog, Goldie.

Even as the dog in the movie is dying, I am wondering to myself why am I crying over this? Is it normal for a guy to cry over such a story? I’ve never cried in a movie before, even watching an army of troops being violently killed in the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan would not made me cry like this movie. Is it because Marley & Me reminded me of my first dog? I was eight. Goldie was a cross breed between a Golden Retriever and a Labrador. She is really fluffy and always, she wants to be patted. I fell in love with her as soon as my dad pulled her out of the box. I literally carried her wherever I went. Sometimes, I would just want her to stay in my room 24/7. I didn’t really know about responsibility, commitment or the true meaning of love but one thing I knew for sure was that she was the cutest thing ever.

The moment you receive your first pet, you feel the excitement and eagerness of wanting to take care of it. I was carrying it around like it was a toy. It was pure proudness and just addiction to the fact that there is a puppy in my arms. Her name resembled what she looked like, Gold-ie. Her hair is soft and silky. Whenever I caress her body, my fingers slowly notice the fine strands of her fur and her body underneath as warm and solid as another person’s body. She was a hyperactive dog who loved running around. She would always waggle her tail asking to play or she would open her mouth wide open with her tongue hanging loosely asking for food. That’s a signature for every dog and for a first pet; it’s so mesmerising to play with.

As time goes by, I’ve changed. To make new friends in school or pursuing my own hobby and interest like playing sports. My love for my dog changed as I grew up. Come to think of it, it was a really sad life for her. She was caged; never had the freedom to go outside her yard, always chained because we never trained her, my family wouldn’t want to risk any damage that she could do. She is really scared of thunderstorms, one day; she just ripped off the whole mosquito net on the backdoor in the kitchen, scratching and whining all night long. It comes to a point where nobody really cares about her only to know when to feed her and when is time to shower. We come to ignore what was once special. As for me, I grew up knowing other things, fond of other interest like playing the piano or guitar, having new best friends in school. It became worst when I bought my first Playstation console; I drew more attention to the screen than to my dog. I would stay at home all day and not even finding the time to walk her out. My Goldie became older, harder to move, less active as she was and her fur starts to drop everywhere, she became just another dog.

I was in year nine. Form 4 in Malaysia. Goldie was 9 years old that’s equivalent to 63 years old in human years. One day like any other day, I wake up to the annoying sound of the alarm at 7 o’clock in the morning, brushed my teeth, had a shower, put on my school uniform. Ate cereal, as I would always eat for breakfast. Go to school from 8 till 2. Came back knowing the first thing I would do is to look for Goldie and call her like I usually do with a rhythm of whistle that has its own tune that the dog would recognise whenever it hears its master’s calling. But she didn’t come quickly as she is old now and I walked around the house looking for her. I became suspicious of where she might be. I have an automatic gate to my house and Goldie would usually dash out every time the gate opened. We fear of that happening, so we usually would chain her up to the concrete pole of the house. As I rushed towards my dad asking where is she, my heart and whole body just went through this enormous feeling of goose bumps. My parents said they had sent her to a farm to keep her there where she would enjoy her freedom till her last dying days. I was in shock but I did believe what parents said. For weeks, they have been talking about sending Goldie away. I just didn’t know it would be true. I was in pain like emptiness at the heart with no blood to fill the void. I did not fight nor did I question my parents why. I just accepted the result like it was only a matter of time. Only then, I realise that I miss her.

A dog chained, and never had much freedom to be out in the open, should I be feeling happy for her that she finally has freedom? Or should I feel regret that I couldn’t say my last goodbye to my first pet that I grew up with? I began to realise life is so short. You have to reach maturity to know what is it like to commit and have the responsibility to love and care for another being. It is so unfair towards Goldie because dogs don’t know this. What they do know is when their master shows love; they will show their love too, no matter what, every single day without any expectations, they give it unconditionally. Watching Marley pass away in the end of the movie reminded me of how I didn’t get to see Goldie since that day onwards. I wish I could have given her more love even the simple things like walking her everyday, feeding her, giving her a bath. Now that she’s gone, I regret that I have not done so. Maybe this is how we get to learn life from a different perspective.

I guess the important thing is as Josh Grogan says in the film, ‘A dog has no use for fancy cars or big homes or designer clothes. A dog doesn’t care if you’re rich and poor, smart or dumb. Give them your heart and they will give you theirs’.

Patience.

Post 3
Patience
30th May 2013.

What about patience?

I find myself a guy without patient. Just a really impatient guy even though I can withstand sacrifice but in the end I want result to come fast. I want everything to be there. I want it to happen and I don't want to waste time earning it, working it.

Everything in this life is caused by practice. What we practice since we young, we produce it out now.
May it be attitude, lifestyle or emotions.
It's based on practice.

Parents that doesn't have the knowledge of it's son's education, what he is doing or understanding the things he is going through, as these kind of things is being practiced in the family, the son has a different way or perspective towards life. We can say differently for a son whose parents who has the full knowledge of their son's education, what they are going through, what they need, understanding their situations. It's different.

So, patience.
If a person is practiced to be patient, he will be patient.
Maybe i've been dwelling too much in not knowing my path, not setting my goals, not starting anywhere.
Dwelling too much on doubts, too much on arguments and being solitude.

Studying media, it made me this way too. You don't have a right or wrong answer. You need to ground your opinions by evidence and research. It's not like maths where all around, this is the answer you will get, it's facts. It's certain. It's proved. Media is all about opinions. Everybody has their own opinion and you can argue about it. There's no certainty.

And, because of that, I'm impatient. I would not settle not arguing over something. I would not settle if something is considered as truth or something is considered as infinity. There's something to it that maybe we might not understand, but there's a way of understanding.

I want my goals fast. I want my future fast. I want this now, I want that now. I want to achieve this. Overlooking at things like hardwork or time. I want to have this. I want to be like that. I want to be someone. Impatient.

In the house.
Lie down on the couch. Lie down on bed. Look at the laptop. Search on Facebook, Twitter. Scroll through smartphone. Watch tv. Listen to music and sing. Play guitar. Play piano.

Holding the camera
Voiceover:
I really want to be a filmmaker,
Ah, so many inspirations i can get,
so many ideas going through my mind of what movies I am going to make...
Can I just film a video and be a famous person in youtube or somewhere?

Look at the wall with all the assignments due soon.
Screw that thought. I need to get this assignments done.
As soon as I grab my pen, I move to social media again and my phone. And YouTube.

She calls
'Hey! Want to meet up?'
Yeah. Sure.

Hey! What have you been up to?
Nothing much. Just procrastinating the whole day.
I think I need to get a new phone. My phone is now malfunction. It always lag! Do you know which one should I get?
Wait now you are using the iPhone 4. You want to change to apple or samsung maybe HTC?
Nah just a good phone.
Let's go check now! you want to?
Yeah I don't mind.

Now you have a range of phones here, It really depends. Samsung is more diverse. Apple as you have been using you should change, it's all the same but you can wait the new ones are coming in a months time. HTC is same like samsung but this phone is really beautiful. Sony even has the one that can go under water which is so freaking awesome. Why not get Samsung? Just get samsung! I still feel samsung is better than both HTC and Sony. So yeah!

I still need to think. Im used to iPhone I should buy iPhone yeah? Maybe I should wait? What about the plans? Can it be cheaper back home?

If you want iPhone also you can but for a change buy the Samsung? Just buy since we are here! Get Virgin since Telstra is expensive and Vodafone sucks! Either Optus or Virgin but i still feel Virgin is better cause im using it.

Okay. I'll get the Samsung then and Virgin plan yeah since you said is good? But I think i'll wait and see. I'm going back already so maybe i'll go back and buy?

Just buy since we are here already and its not cheaper by any much. Since you need a phone so just go ahead and buy! You need it now then just get it. No need to wait until so long to get it.

Nah, I think I'll wait. Maybe i'll buy the iPhone. Nevermind, I'll consider and see how it goes. I don't think i'll get it by today. Thanks anyway.

Sigh. Okay okay.

So the story continues with me being impatient of achieving my dreams as a director. Impatient that i have to go out yet do my work. Impatient that i still havent do my work but i want to get it done before the due date which is in a weeks time. I'm also impatient towards wanting the result in this case she getting the phone.